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Tim Burton’s Dumbo Might Be The Scariest Movie… EVER.

This isn’t a post. It’s really nothing at all. But I just wanted to say that Tim Burton’s Dumbo? Yeah, it might just be the scariest movie ever created. You see, there are two movies on my banned movie list. I saw both as a kid, and I’ve sworn to never see them again. Dumbo. Wow. Why can’t I watch it? Oh, I don’t know… because it’d give me the shakes if I do. I actually watched Dumbo at the Santa Fe Springs, California library. Right here. I can actually mark the spot on the floor where I sat if I were to walk into that library today. I rode over on my banana seat bike with the bell on it, and I came home… hollow on the inside. Scooped out and a husk of a human.

This was back when VHS Tapes were just becoming a thing. And the library put on a showing of the film and it literally decimated me. Raw nukage.

Strange elephant that was different from everyone else? Made fun of by everyone? Laughed at by the crows. (Was he laughed at by the crows? ACTUALLY NEVER MIND, I am blissfully unaware of the story anymore. Happily clueless. Horrifying memories. Just unbelievably intense nightmares for weeks afterwards.

The only thing worse than a Disney animated version of Dumbo though? Is a Tim Burton, live action version. This thing right here? This is the makings of some really serious howling fantods. Tim Burton? Are they wishing me dead? Like heart attack levels of deadness? And trust me. I can’t even watch this trailer. Not even considering hitting play. When I went to get this source code to include it on this page, I had to have the volume turned way down, and tons of random clicking to make the playing stop. But hey, if you consider yourself a maniac, go ahead and hit play.

Yup. Not watching that. No thanks.

And the only thing worse than Dumbo? As I mentioned above? There are two movies in this category for me. Dumbo is a Category 3 Hurricane. And this next movie is a category 27. What could it possibly be? (I am not kidding around here, this shizzle is my kryptonite.) What is it?

Pinocchio.

Yup. I literally can’t even think about it. Can’t think of the nose. The fairy. The evil foxes. I can’t think of Pleasure Island… WHERE THEY TRAP LITTLE BOYS WITH THE BAIT OF AN AMUSEMENT PARK FUN!??!? What is this? This is horrific people! I literally will go into a catatonic state if Disney decides to do a live action version. No. They couldn’t do it. You turn those images into real life and it becomes The SAW 49. You can’t market that action at little children! Disney would rather create a snuff film first. Seriously.

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