Guy Movie – GUHY MOO-VEE
Verb – “Dude, let’s Guy Movie Night it…”
Adjective = “Holy frick man, that move was so Guy Movie Night!”
Noun – “What are we going to watch on Guy Movie Night?!”
a sequence of projected set of pictures in motion where there is a an extraordinarily high ratio of explosions in comparison to standard movies
a motion picture wherein the audience has a ridiculously low number of women in the audience
an excuse for men to mentally escape safely to a movie theater while they watch crazy amounts of pyrotechnics
Alright, don’t get me wrong… I love art flicks – Il Postino, The Pianist, Sarah’s Key come to mind. I love great dialogue movies – anything by Woodie Allen comes to mind. But sometimes, I get this serious hankering for some carnage. No idea why. But an art flick with the most amazing dialogue in the world will never cut it. The ratios of fire, explosions and mayhem must be completely off kilter with reality in order to meet that overwhelming Guy Movie Night urge. No? Are you feeling me here? I mean, you should, you just did a search for the phrase “Best Guy Movies” I’m guessing! hehe. If a list of the Top 10 Best Guy Movies isn’t what you were hoping for then maybe a list of the best Mind Job Movies would be more your thing?
But seriously what defines a good Guy Movie, really? I happen to hang with a bunch of guys that have made a science out of this question. (We’ve also made a science of the question – “What is the best Burger”, “Best video game” and “Best death defying stunt”, but these are topics for another day.) This is especially important question when you and a few of your friends want to get together and watch stuff blow up. You can’t just pick the first thing that comes up! (One time we ended up watching Blades of Glory together and that was ALL KINDS OF UNCOMFORTABLE going on there.) So without further delay, here is the ranking system I have applied to determine the best Guy Movie Night Movies of the past 10 years:
Sun Dance Winner – minus 4,000,000 points
Oscar Winner – minus 2,000 points (in any category save special effects)
Clever premise – +10 pts
Witty dialogue – +10 pts
Funny banter – +10 pts
Aliens – +20 pts
Gore – +50 pts
Carnage – +100 pts
Explosives – +1000 pts
Ingenious weapons – +2000 pts
Massive Explosions – +5,000 pts
Worlds Exploding – +10,000 pts
Armageddon Quality Explosions – +200,000 pts
You see where this is going. So no, there are no Oscar Award winners in this list. And yes the dialogue is generally awful. And no, you probably won’t be taking your wife to any of these flicks. But that is the definition of a Guy Movie Night. Stuff blows up. A lot. Actually, there should be a bonus multiplier for movies that have less dialogue than explosions. I’ll have to work that into the algorithm for next time. But I’m not really sure why I’m even explaining my logic here – you guys are guys… you are reading my writing… you have already skipped past this boring intro part to the pictures below. And you probably aren’t even reading my explanation of each either – your are just wholesale adding them to your Netflix queue. Guaranteed. But I’m good with that. Just give me the explosions.
So here we go – THE TOP TEN BEST GUY MOVIES of the past 10 years… the explosions please:
Actually, I’ll be honest with you… Restrepo barely made the list. And here’s why. Restrepo is a documentary of the war in Afgahnistan. And I hate to break it to you but real war is fairly boring. But dude, when the shells start flying in this movie, you can see that this is the real deal. Guys are grabbing dirt and you know that returning fire means the difference between walking out alive or not. There are sections in this documentary that are just over the top intense. I remember saying to myself – you are going to do WHAT?!? Yer nuts! And sure enough, it was nuts. As a side note, one of the creators, Tim Hetherington went on to Libya to get footage there and eventually died while in a similar gun fire exchange like we see in Restrepo. So this movie was definitely high stakes – this is the real deal. (Which sort of could have been an argument for actually winning the list because it is real… hrmm. Its a thought anyway.)
Highest Testosterone Moment: When the group are taking fire from across the valley and one of the guys jumps on the 60 cal and starts returning fire – “SOMEONE GET ON THAT 60, TO THE LEFT – TO THE LEFT – GO – GO – GO!! TANGO DOWN, TANGO DOWN!” Pretty hardcore stuff right there when you know the guy on the receiving end just met his maker.
This is Ridley Scott. Right… of the Alien fame. Oh and by the way, of the Blade Runner fame too. Blade Runner and Alien. Alien could possibly be the greatest Guy Movie of all time. Not just the last decade, all time. And Blade Runner?! “WAKE UP, ITS TIME TO DIE!” Brilliance. And this is Scott’s first return to science fiction? Right. Now there is a bit of a dust up as to whether or not Prometheus is supposedly a prequel to Alien. Ridley is being coy. And maybe he might just be studding out his franchise one more time – which he’s never done before (cough Alien 3 & 4 anyone?!) But the movie execs are totally pumping this rumor for all its worth. I enjoyed it – though it was no District 9, Predator or heavens, a Die Hard. But I enjoyed none the less.
Highest Testosterone Moment: There is only one scene worthy – two guys, two fairly phallic looking alien snakes and carnage. This one scene, by itself put this movie on this list a s saved poor Ridley from looking like a complete snake selling salesman. The alien wraps around one dudes are and compound fractures it “GET IT OFF!!!!” and then writhes its way into the guy’s helmet… And then down his throat. While the other guys is basically exploding from the inside out. Crazy crazy scene.
Take the Blare Witch Project, add Godzilla, and a dash of Alien… and voila – you have Cloverfield. Probably the most innovative and interesting editing schema of the bunch. But also tons of ew-yuk factor – “WE GOT A BITE!!!!”. There are sections of this movie where the band of friends runs into the middle of a fullon war zone. Tanks are going, Fighters are lighting it up, the works. Its epic. But there are other times when the quiet, sneak up from behind freak-a-zoid is in full effect. Its a very well balanced movie with enough ammo and ballistics for the most hardcore amongst us. And still enough Alien (quiet tension) for the fright factor. It is a great movie all in all.
Highest Testosterone Moment: Without a doubt the entire section scampering around in the building about to fall over. No wait, the whole section in the tunnels with the baby cloverfields. No wait, the fullon battle in the streets of New York with the cannons and the hardcore fusillades into the face of the aline. No wait, the bridge scene when they all thought they were home free. Flip. This movie is pretty full tilt Testosterone from beginning to end.
BLACK HAWK DOWN –
Black Hawk Down could be argued to be the absolute best Guy Movie Night movie of all time. This is an amazing movie. Its almost a zombie movie its so intense. Wave after wave of random ill equipped bad guy coming your direction. What kills these guys is a lack of blammo, not any particular skill from the bad guys. There are several sections in this movie that could be nominated for best Guy Movie night movie by themselves, let alone the entire movie, it is that good.
Highest Testosterone Moment: Yeah. Right. There is only one small scene in this movie that has any testosterone at all in it. And it lasted almost a full 2 hours. You know, the bit in the helicopter? And all the bad guys throughout the city? That little bit o’ goodness? Right. Full tilt.
THE HURT LOCKER –
Thinking about The Hurt Locker gives me the instant heebs. Goosebumps go up and down my arms and lights up the back of my neck. We are talking about bomb detonator jocks in the middle of the Iraq war here. Guys who willingly go into harms way when everyone else are killing themselves to get out of the area. Never mind the fact that this movie won an Academy Award which is normally a terrible thing, but since it absolutely crushed Avatar, this list is gladly giving it a pass. Never mind the fact that the director is a woman. A woman who is James Cameron’s ex-wife. And was sitting right in front of him when she won the Best Movie Award. Take that Mr. King of the World.
Highest Testosterone Moment: Is high testosterone correlated to pucker factor? If so it would have to be the moment when the lead jock goes to disarm the one bomb and realizes he’s got 12 attached to the same detonator. I think I may have tinkled a bit on that one.
THE TRANSFORMERS –
But WHICH ONE?! I hear you screaming. ALL OF THEM! Yeah, these movies suck hardcore if you are trying to buy a clue. But they don’t come much better if you are just wanting things to blow up. Cars don’t just blow up… but whole cities and planets blow up. What I want to know is how exactly do the cities of the world rebuild between each movie? I mean seriously, they need a Transformers movie titled – “Transformers The Time Out”. And in that movie they rebuild all the junk they blew up from the previous 3 movies just so they can blow it up all over again in the next inevitable sequel. Heheh. I kid you not.
Highest Testosterone Moment: My personal favorite moment will probably vary from yours, but it would have to be the one when Optimus Prime takes on 3 bad guys in an aspen grove in the mountains somewhere. Almost the entire battle scene is shot in that epic goosebump format slow motion that Bruckheimer has made standard now. Now that I think about it, pretty much ANY TIME the robots cut into that slow motion dance routine of death and mayhem is my favorite testosterone moment.
DISTRICT 9 –
That I am placing D9 at number 4 is absolutely and completely baffling to me. I almost want to peek down to number 1 and find out what annoying movie thinks that it has the chops to beat D9. I mean… seriously. This movie has EVERYTHING going for it. The Slums of South Africa (+10), brilliantly designed aliens (+10), an epic battle between humans and aliens (+1000), and then there are the weapons… holy cow. Enough said. The splatter factor in this movie should seal the deal all by itself. The first time that big gun went off and the subject physically popped as it exploded I almost bowed down and genuflected in this movie’s general direction. I mean, seriously? It doesn’t get much better than this.
Highest Testosterone Moment: The final battle scene between the aliens our protagonist and the SWAT teams was epic. Far and away one of the best shoot outs ever devised on the big screen.
Zombieland makes me laugh out loud just thinking about it. With its incessant Anal Retentive rules (The Double Tap, Cardio, etc) and the banter between Woodie Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg is just something to behold. Seriously funny stuff. But this isn’t comedy hour friend – how the heck did Zombieland steal its way past the Transformers, D9 and The Hurt Locker, dangit!? Simple. Zombieland was eccentric with its explosions, beheadings and decimations. Pianos get dropped on zombies. They get Teed off with Louisville Sluggers. They get run over. Shotgun blasted. Obliterated. And diced. This movie took zombie killing to an entirely ‘nother realm and all the while I was laughing hysterically. Just saying.
Highest Testosterone Moment: There were so many. I’m not even trying to put one down. If you have a favorite, post it in the comments and I’ll be HAPPY to replace this lame excuse for a Testosterone moment with yours. Happily.
THE DARK KNIGHT –
I hate myself already. NUMBER TWO?! The Dark Knight has got to be the best Guy Movie Night Movie of all time! And man, do I agree with you. Let me tell you this. When I first saw this movie it was on IMAX. And Nolan filmed six specific high impact scenes in the IMAX negative… just so you know. Every single time the movie popped to full IMAX screen it felt like the ground gave way beneath my feet. There was nothing quite like it. It was the movie going experience of a lifetime. Gorgeous cinematography, amazing acting and guy movie night glory to end all glory! Hospitals blowing up. Rigged barges. Two Face lying face down in acid. Skyhooks jerking guys out of buildings in China. Just goodness after goodness parades through this movie.
Highest Testosterone Moment: The opening bank scene. Robber taking down robber. Buses backing into the building. All shot in massive IMAX negative glory. Brilliant opening.
And without further waiting or delay – I give you the best Guy Movie Night Movie of all time –
ACT OF VALOR –
BUT THE RATINGS MAN! Listen to me. This isn’t even a contest. If you haven’t seen the movie yet, and all you’ve heard is bad things… just go see it for yourself. Then come back and we can talk about how you think the Simpsons takes Manhattan should be the best Guy Movie of all time.
This movie was breathtaking in its intensity. It was a terrible movie. I give you this. It actually isn’t even a movie. Its a recruiting video for the Seals. And yeah, the opening character setup was interminable. So what?! The Seals in this movie were so Hoo-ah and over the top I really started feeling bad for the bad guys. I seriously did. Oh no, don’t go that way, you are about to step into a meat grinder. Never mind the fact that you have the Seals out manned by a 10 to 1 ratio. Never mind the fact that you have the home field advantage. The truth is, you are about to die horribly mister bad guy.
I can’t say enough about the American Forces in this movie. The subs, the air transport, the blackhawks, all the various support systems showcased in this movie. And the intel and operations involved. Amazing. But that isn’t what we are reviewing here. What we came to see was massive amounts of firepower. Oh, you want high caliber munitions? We got some of that! We get to see snipers in action. Boat mounted mini-guns. Hand held, hand operated mini-drones. Suicide vests. Rocket propelled grenades in close quarters. It goes on and on and on in this movie. It really isn’t even a contest. I’m sorry, but it just isn’t. I take your batman, and your D9 and your Cloverfield and I raise you one Act of Valor, thank you very much.
Highest Testosterone Moment: So so so many possibilities here. But I HAVE to go with the opening mission where they guys are heading to the extraction point hot. “I REPEAT WE ARE COMING TO THE EXTRACT HOT, OVER! WE ARE COMING IN HOT!” And the gun boat rolling in with several mini-guns blazing. It was like the locusts that swarmed Egypt I’m sure. Nothing lived that that gunboat touched. Just an amazing site to behold.
So with that, you have my list of the 10 best Guy Movie Night Movies of the last 10 years or so that my band of friends have been tracking this stuff. If you disagree, feel free to leave comments below as to your favorites. This is where I get to hear about movies I’ve never even heard of. Its my favorite part of this whole exchange. And probably the only reason I do these types of write ups.
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